I am at dinner with a man, he has long thick black curly "Italian" hair, like a number of men I have been in relationship with or attracted to.
At the dinner table I know (implicitly) that he has separated from his ex partner and that I am being 'tested' somehow as a suitable future partner. I feel anxious and insecure. He speaks to me but not directly, he speaks through insinuation, hints, implies things but never says them directly, then sees how I respond.
Most of the time he looks young and very very handsome. But there is a moment as the dream goes on that he looks very old, his skin is pale, dry and very wrinkled. He ages fast for a moment before my eyes and I am suddenly not sure what age he is.
He seems to want to know what I want, but it also feels like a test too, one that I am bound to fail. And so I do - feel like I am failing. I feel that he is looking down his nose at me. I finally feel that I have lost him and so - therefore - I have nothing to loose ...
At this point something emerges within me. I feel for the first time like I have a clear and direct sense of self. I am no longer dancing around internally trying to "live up" to whatever it is that he wants in order to "get" or "win" him. I feel myself fully and clearly and no longer 'care'.
I begin speaking and I say ...
"I want a relationship with you, one that is authentic. Simple and direct. One that is not based on game playing. I want us to be kind to one another."
Something changes with these words, I feel it and I wake up feeling it.
The weekend before
I had set up a short relationship constellation with my shamanic group. Someone represented me and someone represented wealth, I wanted to look at my relationship with wealth.
I set the constellation up where I thought the relationship was. I was standing in the centre (nearly) of the room, looking out of the window. Wealth was behind some distance back to the right of me, looking in the same direction.
This represented a relationship where I felt that I had not tended to, or looked at wealth in my life. I asked for the constellation when I realised through conversations that everyone in the group had wealth (property, assets) except for me and suddenly felt a sense of shame. I do feel many kinds of "wealth" in my life, but just not wealth of the financial, savings, investments or property kind. It wasn't something I "looked at or towards" in life, so of course I don't have that! I was busy looking elsewhere.
In the constellation my representative turned towards wealth - and began a dance of slowly trying to connect with and get wealths attention - nut wealth kept backing away. My representative was slowly chasing wealth around the room!
My rep said "I want a relationship with you". Wealth didn't respond, so she gave up in the end and went and stood elsewhere. The "elsewhere" was I noticed more central in the room (standing at the centre of your own circle, a good place to be) and she was no longer so preoccupied with something in the distance out of the window, she seemed more present and to have arrived in the space.
At this point, wealths representative, he felt like coming and standing next to me. At first he had his armed crossed, but cheeks clenched and seemed very closed. He said he felt a bit like a seargant major, or a bank manager maybe. Eventually though he softened and seemed to open a little more to me, he uncrossed his arms. My rep said "this is a good place for now, its not the end, but its a good place for now".
This dream felt like a continuation of this constellation. The man in the dream was "wealth": I wanted a relationship with him, I was chasing that but he was retreating and not really being relational with me. In both dream and constellation, things only change at the point when I have nothing left to loose and "give up" and stop chasing him.
These dream themes continue on another night A meeting with wealth 2.
