Someone from the past ...

 I am going to meet a friend Alice and a few things happen on the way.

I have on a coat she has lent to me, I look in the mirror and at first it looks colourful and funky. But the more I look at it the more I dislike it. There is a hood which when I pull it up is structured and boxy - like some kind of "post modern" exploration of a nuns habit! I try to fold it down - this makes it slightly more tolerable but I end up feeling like my head is boxed in by this ridiculous contraption.

The more I look at it, the more it feels like some kind of awful fashion statement, not me at all and I take it off. I head to see Alice, I am walking trying to recall where she lives. Its on the edge of my memory, I am on a street, surely it is this way, it looks so familiar ... 

I take one last turn and head up a road thinking "if I recognise something in the next few minutes I will know I am going the right way. If not this is my last attempt and I will turn around and head home."

I turn a corner, something looks familiar - a shop, a doorway ... - as I am looking I see someone in the door way and then realise - it is ST! ST is a former partner of mine from my 20s, I have lost touch with him and sometimes grieve that. We lived together for 7 years I think - he was probably the closest I came to settling down in a conventional dyad relationship.

I see him in the shop - my heart leaps - I am SO happy to see him and I am also very afraid I will "scare him off". In the waking world I have written to him several times in the past years and he doesn't reply so I have [eventually ...] reluctantly stepped away accepting that he doesn't want contact with me.

He seems to be with a woman and a baby in a pram. I have a tinge of sadness that he has a child with someone else (he is the closest I came to having a partner I would have children with), but delight leaps in me too. I have worried about his silence and whether he is ok (in waking life) - in my dream I am delighted that he is with someone and is a parent and looks ok - as I would be delighted to know he is well in waking life too.

But then things change. The woman sees me and snarls something derogatory about me being "the ex". The baby in the pram on closer inspection turns out to be an old lady being pushed around (the woman's mother). Both are smoking, snarling and mean spirited - I am suddenly deeply concerned for ST. What I see represents my worst fears that he is in harms way and being exploited somehow (when I think about him in waking life these fears sometimes arise).

I fake a smiling hello to the two women - and then a real greeting to ST - the moment of saying hello to him is such a powerful jolt, finally seeing him again and being seen by him too. I am still afraid to "scare him off" and so I say "you know, I would love to speak with you, but only if you want that too. Shall we go for a walk together and chat, would you like that? No pressure of course ..."

Really inside I am hoping and praying he will say yes, but somehow I know I must not push him.

He does say yes, my heart leaps inside and we start walking round the corner together leaving behind the two mean women. I am so relieved to have an opportunity to talk with him alone. I walk behind him and can tell from his body language he is feeling angry and dejected. His body twitches discharging trauma - he walks ahead his fists clenched and shoulders braced not looking at me, he slightly staggers even - I am pained to see all this.

Walking along behind I wonder "how can I reach him ..." - I feel so sad for him and desperately want to help him yet he might not let me in - I walk along silently wondering what is the best thing to say.

I awaken and feel sad all day.

A tarot reading

The dream was so stirring that I did a tarot spread to try to better understand it. I pulled the following cards (Rider Waite major arcana only):

1. The overall true meaning - Hierophant
2. What the dream means - The Fool
3. What the dream doesn't mean - The Magician
4. The direction of events - Justice

Ancestors at the festival

I am at a "festival" - or more like a very old fashioned gathering, lots of big tents.

I am in a big tent first of all by myself trying to decide what to wear, I opt for a deep burgandy long floaty "hippie" style skirt though its very old fashioned again, and I pair it with a top that covers up my throat and arms which is not my usual preference.

I go outside and find the people I am with, a man and a woman, they are older than me and I am related with them, its not clear if they are my lovers or my guardians perhaps (not parents, but guardians).

The man is setting up a yurt, I am SO delighted and express this - we have more space! He says yes and starts to talk about the resources that we have - the woman smiles and says "we are resources too, don't forget us" indicating me and her. She smiles warmly, its a loving chide, things feel good and very loving between us all.

I go and hug him tightly with deep gratitude for some time. The woman nudges and says "hey don't forget me" and I hug her too. I am deeply aware of both of their bodies which feel strong, competent - I am aware of feeling both love and arousal ...

Then they move swiftly to work - he is setting up the yurt, she is laying out items on a table, I realise it is a stall and she is selling things. I am a bit befuddled by the movement from love to activity but I think "toughen up" and move with it, and wonder what it is that I need to go and do to contribute to our "chopping wood and carrying water" wellbeing.

I have the sense that whilst she sells objects what I do is something more related to performance, something with my body, teaching perhaps ...

I wander off to try to find what it is.

Thoughts / feelings the next day

This feels STRONGLY resonant with my sense of myself as 3 souls, and these 3 souls being 2 old and one new. The younger woman whom I am throughout the dream being the younger soul, the guardians the older ones.

When I first read about this concept, I had woken up in the middle of the night one night with the thought "maybe I am more than one soul". I googled and found this and something clicked into place regarding my inner sense of self
https://www.chabad.org/kabbalah/article_cdo/aid/380846/jewish/Four-Souls-One-Person-52.htm

These chapters also resonate
https://www.chabad.org/kabbalah/article_cdo/aid/380841/jewish/Reincarnation-Ibur-51.htm
https://www.chabad.org/kabbalah/article_cdo/aid/380847/jewish/Ibur-and-Growth-53.htm

And I feel uncertain as yet whether this phenomena of multiple beings occupying one body occured at birth or at the age of 13.

The Rabbi talks about the souls being "related to each other through the roots" and I feel that the three souls in this dream relate to -

Cathryn - the young soul, taking more from the side of my mothers ancestry
Rose - the first old soul to have been expressed
Reuben - the second old soul I am now encountering to be expressed

From this dream, my sense that these older souls relate to the ancestry of my paternal Grandmother Daphne is increased. Her ancestral line is has been hard to trace, including French for sure, possibly Jewish and Romany too.

From this dream I start to wonder if -

• The younger person as said was Cathryn
• The older soul "Rose" is Marie - mother of Daphne - was Rose a nickname for her? The origin of the name Marie is shocking, especially as it was birthed out of an intense and seemingly endless (though it did end) period of grieving, like a sea of grief. 
• The other older soul is Reuben - father of Daphne.

With this I wonder once again about the origins of Marie - I almost forgot about her origins having gotten so obsessed to find Daphnes father Reginald Hamilton - whom I eventually traced with near but yet to be proved certainty to be Reuben Brown, son of Leon Harris Brown, a Jewish man who fled the pogroms from Poland in the late 1800s and made his fortune as a Jeweller in Sheffield. In the linked to page, Reuben is in the back row, third from left.

Maries father is listed as "Ernest Saunders, a gentleman" - as for her sibling Ernest too - but her mother Ernestine never marries whilst living for some time in Maida Vale in a well appointed apartment.

"Ernest Saunders a gentleman" doesn't sound very Romany - however there is still the unexplained Romany link in my cousin matches. Also a Romany fortune teller who said my relative was there with her - a Romany man who had lied about his name and was in fact called "Mr Lee" and was very wealthy through not so honest means.

I feel drawn to restart my long suspended ancestry search again ...

Cream tea with a ghost?

In the early hours of this morning I was dreaming about an old woman, feeding me a cream tea. We were in a room with big old fashioned windows that she kept insisting remain open, even though I felt chilled.

As she lovingly served up the tea - she also kept indicating to the window. She seemed to say there were more people outside the window, who would come inside, if they could see us sitting here.

She wanted me to know there were more people outside (I looked out and could just see open sky), and also for the people outside to see - "look, I am sitting here talking with her, come in and join us".

My alarm went off 6.30am right in the middle of the dream. As I reached over I stopped in shock for a few moments, as by my bed was a tall figure made up of white strands of light, fading.

I felt that it was the old lady in my dream. I was scared for a few moments - but subsequently felt that the figure although powerful (hence the fear) was ultimately kindly and protective too.

She had served me a cream tea, after all :-)

Attached picture was nearest I could find to what I saw - especially the light being high up - and there being something like a cloak (almost like a crown?), though it was a single figure.

Original artwork here https://www.consciousreminder.com/…/light-beings-spirit-en…/

Stags head hair ...

Last night I dreamt I had huge antlers on my head, at least two foot tall. They were woven out of my own long chestnut brown hair, in places the hair was plaited with red ribbons ...

when the dream began I had no antlers. I was in a chaotic room, where everything and everyone was disconnected. As I watched the chaos I felt energy building up inside me. It didn't seem like anger, just pressure plain and simple, no judgement, no name.

The pressure built up till tendrils began to creep out of my eyes. The tendrils grew into ribbons, then into great swathes of colourful fabric pouring from my eyes, sweeping the room and wrapping around all the fragmented parts.

All the parts were swept into a great pot, a lid put on and I blasted it with a burst invoking "KALI" and one great wave of destructive energy.

Now I was seated, poised, wearing a long cloak and great antlers on my head woven out of my own beautiful long chestnut brown hair. I looked very regal.

I opened the door of the pot which was now a room and walked inside. The blood of the destruction was splattered across walls and I crunched over bones - but there was no feeling except "it needed to be done".

I was looking for something though in the wreckage - a little girl. I looked, sensing, hoping "yes, she will have survived, surely....".

Then gazing into a window I saw reflected in the glass - the little girl, emerging from the carnage! She looked so sweet, so innocent. As I watched in the glass her image came into clarity and merged with my own so that we were both wearing antlers.

Red dress running

I am running in the streets of the neighbourhood where I grew up. It is dark, I asses myself to be on Woodland Road or Coppice Road, about 10 minutes walk from my home.

I am barefoot, wearing the short, see through, crepe cotton nighty that I am asleep in - running, running, running.

My legs are strong and I find that I run well. I have the steady and confident pace of a long distance runner who knows well the length of the course and how to set a pace that assures completion.

Looking down at my nighty I realize that I have nothing with me, no key, and I wonder "how will I get in the house when I get there (I am going home)? Why did I leave bringing nothing with me?"

But onwards I run, keep running, keep running, keep a steady pace, do not fear....

and I continue to move with sureness and ease, pacing myself well for the distance ahead and a finish line that I cannot yet see.

The Stag

I am with an old friend and former partner. I find myself looking at him fondly and with love.

He is in the middle of executing a 'pun' - he is trying to entertain me, to make me laugh. He has on 3 cloak or coats - one a large black cape that sweeps his ankles, the other a coat that is tied around his waist. All of these are part of his 'joke' but the pun is mistimed and I fail to see the joke.

"Oh well" he says in despair at my lack of humour! He starts to take the costumes off, one by one composed of several layers, they are all I notice very dark colours. "It's a shame, last of all I was going to show you this" he says as he peels off the last layer:

and he reveals a beautiful bright ochre coat of the finest silk. It is fitted and elegant and suggests high quality tailoring. There is much embroidery around the buttons on the front and looking closer I see that it has a beautiful 'stag' emblem on the collar in an earthy, rich, deep burnt umber brown.

Three pairs of shoes

I am working for an old woman, she is very particular – picky even one might say - I seem to remember though that I like her. I decide and tell her though that I don’t want (need) to work for her anymore and I leave the tower block that she lives in.

On my journey from her place I find a pair of white, black and red shoes. The white have gold lacey patterns. The black are lacey and ornate too, but they are also sturdy – of the kind my nan might have worn when she was young, stylish but practical.

I admire the white and black shoes and take them with me, though I do not like the red and leave them behind.

I find a white and gold top, I look for a similar skirt but cannot find one and feel that the outfit is not complete. I also have a lacey black shawl.

All of the clothes are old fashioned and used, but they are also ‘new’ – somehow they are both! The top has a laundry bag around it, as if it has been laundered ready for my use (it is not disimilar to bridal wear).