The Clown

2 Dreams:

I found myself at some kind of ‘car’ show – maybe it was a BMW event, in any case it was very prestigious. I had sat at the front directly in front of the main speaker of the day, a very prestigious man. I looked up to a big plasma screen and saw that I was ‘in the frame’ right next to the big man – I sat smiling and proud thinking “all of my friends will see me and be impressed”. I saw also that I was young, sitting upright - a very well behaved schoolgirl.

Next it was night-time, after the event described above. I was in bed trying to sleep but I was oh so hot! I tossed and turned and just could not get comfy, I felt suffocated by the big quilt engulfing me but did not seem to want to cast it off.

I started to look round the room from my bed. I was in an old amusement arcade, part of a fair ground. All of the lights were off, except once again for a big flat Plasma screen, a robotic voice chatted away quietly from this and I understood that it was the car designers working late into the night.

I lay on my side, I felt myself breathing, my eyes were (trans)fixed on something in the dark. As the darkness lifted I realised that I was gazing straight into the eyes of a man.

He reclined on the floor opposite me, he seemed tired, exhausted – I wondered why he had just flopped there on the floor and did not make him-self comfortable. I lay on my side and gazed deeper into his eyes. They were silver blue grey, beautiful, so beautiful. As I took in more of him, I realised that his face was painted white - he was a clown. I saw also that he was so very sad and tears started to pour from my eyes.

I sensed somehow that we were meant to have met, I thought about going over and inviting him into my bed. I saw he was big, strong – I wondered why it was that we weren’t together in bed - just the two of us, in that big amusement arcade.

His gaze moved away from mine. I turned over and over some more, feeling still the sadness in his/my heart. My thoughts got distracted though as I began to wonder if the door was locked – didn’t it look open? I wanted to ask the clown to check, but then it occurred to me that he was big, and much stronger than me. What if he decided just to ‘take’ – to rape me? I started to feel terror and thought it best not to go to sleep - at this point I (really) woke up.

Despite the sadness and fear of this dream, I felt as if I had that night met the deepest part of my soul, far deeper than I had ever touched before - I felt privileged to have journeyed so deep into my being to heal the sadness therein.

I understood the clown to be gypsy / itinerant / Irish: the kind of man who would have a horse. I remembered my Dad saying we have Irish ancestry. I remembered also a conversation I had with a female friend about the nature of masculine / feminine power – how young girls dream of / ride a horse (a symbiotic relationship with a living power) and boys dream of cars (a power relationship dominated by control over an inanimate object).

I went back to sleep imagining myself close to the clown; inviting him over, connecting with him, letting him know that he is loved and welcome. Next I dreamt myself lying in bed, my top half naked and exposed - my arms slung in a deeply relaxed posture above my head. My exposed flesh (armpits, breasts) was being gently caressed as I slept, I heard giggling and realized that angels / pixies / fairies were tickling me with red feathers. I felt blessed, loved and deeply happy.