Someone from the past ...

 I am going to meet a friend Alice and a few things happen on the way.

I have on a coat she has lent to me, I look in the mirror and at first it looks colourful and funky. But the more I look at it the more I dislike it. There is a hood which when I pull it up is structured and boxy - like some kind of "post modern" exploration of a nuns habit! I try to fold it down - this makes it slightly more tolerable but I end up feeling like my head is boxed in by this ridiculous contraption.

The more I look at it, the more it feels like some kind of awful fashion statement, not me at all and I take it off. I head to see Alice, I am walking trying to recall where she lives. Its on the edge of my memory, I am on a street, surely it is this way, it looks so familiar ... 

I take one last turn and head up a road thinking "if I recognise something in the next few minutes I will know I am going the right way. If not this is my last attempt and I will turn around and head home."

I turn a corner, something looks familiar - a shop, a doorway ... - as I am looking I see someone in the door way and then realise - it is ST! ST is a former partner of mine from my 20s, I have lost touch with him and sometimes grieve that. We lived together for 7 years I think - he was probably the closest I came to settling down in a conventional dyad relationship.

I see him in the shop - my heart leaps - I am SO happy to see him and I am also very afraid I will "scare him off". In the waking world I have written to him several times in the past years and he doesn't reply so I have [eventually ...] reluctantly stepped away accepting that he doesn't want contact with me.

He seems to be with a woman and a baby in a pram. I have a tinge of sadness that he has a child with someone else (he is the closest I came to having a partner I would have children with), but delight leaps in me too. I have worried about his silence and whether he is ok (in waking life) - in my dream I am delighted that he is with someone and is a parent and looks ok - as I would be delighted to know he is well in waking life too.

But then things change. The woman sees me and snarls something derogatory about me being "the ex". The baby in the pram on closer inspection turns out to be an old lady being pushed around (the woman's mother). Both are smoking, snarling and mean spirited - I am suddenly deeply concerned for ST. What I see represents my worst fears that he is in harms way and being exploited somehow (when I think about him in waking life these fears sometimes arise).

I fake a smiling hello to the two women - and then a real greeting to ST - the moment of saying hello to him is such a powerful jolt, finally seeing him again and being seen by him too. I am still afraid to "scare him off" and so I say "you know, I would love to speak with you, but only if you want that too. Shall we go for a walk together and chat, would you like that? No pressure of course ..."

Really inside I am hoping and praying he will say yes, but somehow I know I must not push him.

He does say yes, my heart leaps inside and we start walking round the corner together leaving behind the two mean women. I am so relieved to have an opportunity to talk with him alone. I walk behind him and can tell from his body language he is feeling angry and dejected. His body twitches discharging trauma - he walks ahead his fists clenched and shoulders braced not looking at me, he slightly staggers even - I am pained to see all this.

Walking along behind I wonder "how can I reach him ..." - I feel so sad for him and desperately want to help him yet he might not let me in - I walk along silently wondering what is the best thing to say.

I awaken and feel sad all day.

A tarot reading

The dream was so stirring that I did a tarot spread to try to better understand it. I pulled the following cards (Rider Waite major arcana only):

1. The overall true meaning - Hierophant
2. What the dream means - The Fool
3. What the dream doesn't mean - The Magician
4. The direction of events - Justice